We cannot change what others post. We cannot change others’ opinions. We can, however, contribute to the conversation. We can do our part to build a community. We can do our part to have an honest, open dialogue about issues we may agree or disagree on.
I had the opportunity to be interviewed on a friend’s podcast we discussed how to not be a jerk on the internet. We talked about the temptation to just give up on the idea that the internet can be a place where civil discourse could happen. However, we concluded, if we do that, then the haters win! We can’t just consider the internet as a place of either antagonism or a total withdrawal from the important issues of our time. What if it were different? What if it brought us together as a community of friends, family and colleagues working to create the best world possible? A place where you can express your opinion and ideas without it becoming a fight? So here my ideas for not being a jerk on the internet:
#5 Stop blaming others and start fixing you! I can’t blame you for what’s wrong with the government, society and the world in general, that’s weak! I’ve got to figure out my own contributions to the problems we face. I’ve spent a few years carefully reflecting on my own opinions, finding the flaws in my logic, learning to avoid either or thinking and trying to challenge my assumptions. What am I doing to contribute to tribalism misinformation, or contention with others online? How can I stop doing those things? I’ve written about a blog post about this previously: How do I stop calling you out and start fixing me.
#4 Stop preaching to the choir: The more I discuss the world with those who share my worldview, the more I begin to view the world as “us versus them.” Here is a piece I’ve written about why I have completely stopped sharing simple memes and snappy one liners online that confirm my opinions. They do nothing to broaden my understanding of complex issues and alienate those who do not share my opinions. Before I read or post something online I stop and ask myself. Am I doing this to confirm what I already believe? I’m I trying to persuade others to think like I do? Or am I trying to really learn, understand and help the world be a better place?
#3 Try to understand where people are coming from. Whenever I find myself saying, “I can’t understand why anyone thinks that,” I tell myself, “That’s your problem, not their problem.” I don’t have to agree with someone to understand why they think the way they do. If I don’t understand why someone holds an opinion, that’s an indictment of me not them. We should spend much of our online time trying to understand each other not just talk over each other.
#2 Act don’t react: When I see something online that makes me crazy and I’m tempted to lash out. I take a breather, relax, try to understand their perspective and challenge my own assumptions. Even when, and especially when, someone lashes out at me, I try to be chill. That doesn’t mean I just agree with everything, but we can disagree without being disagreeable
#1 Be Kind: Picture the face on the other side of the screen. These are real people just like you! With real feelings and real families, real problems and very real emotions! In other words treat people like you would like to be treated.
We cannot change what others post. We cannot change others’ opinions. We can, however, contribute to the conversation. We can do our part to build a community. We can do our part to have an honest, open dialogue about issues we may agree or disagree on.
We can resolve not to rant but to reason. To talk less and listen more–to build bridges not walls. We can engage in conversation with those we disagree with in a constructive manner. We can acknowledge the complexities of issues without being condescending. We can reject our own unwarranted certitude. We can learn and try to understand others perspectives instead of trying to persuade them to adopt our own.
We can reject sarcasm and embrace empathy. We can walk away from anger and embrace understanding. We can stop sharing over simplified, inflammatory content and instead pose our own thoughtful questions and ideas. Every person’s perspective has value and meaning to that person. We can admit when we are wrong. We can embrace conflict and shun contention. We can remain true to our ideals and be open to change. In short, we can all do our part to not be a jerk on the internet, or anywhere else for that matter.
