What Yesterday’s Irish Immigrants Tell Us About Today’s Refugees

This week everything around us turns green. We are all proud to be Irish. It is hard to imagine that just over 150 years ago the Irish were refugees disdained for their poverty and their religion. If slavery is the United States’ original sin, the treatment of the Irish is the British’s. Truly past is prologue. Swift’s ‘modest proposal’ could be written today with equal parts sarcasm and horror. We would merely need to insert Muslim refugees or Refugees from our southern border as the main object of the piece. How ironic that now we celebrate the Irish who came here as desperate refugees and we turn our back on our modern plight, which is every bit as real as the ‘great hunger’ as it was called in the 19th century. The same old tired fear-mongering, religious bigotry and xenophobia used to justify punishing the Irish is used today to deny and demonize those in most need.

Approximately 1.5 million Irish immigrated to the United States between 1845 and 1855 forever changing the landscape of this country. Who now looks back on history and thinks we should have denied them from coming? But that’s exactly what we’re doing now to those who need us most. History will look back on this moment as a failure. A failure of morality, courage and human decency. Of the nearly 80 million refugees in the world, half are children. So, for those of us who will wear green and celebrate the Irish, let’s stop a moment and think about what we owe to those impoverished refugees from more than 150 years ago, and what we stand to lose if we don’t live up to our moral obligation to help those that are in such desperation today.

French Fries, Sean Hannity and Stephen Colbert are Bad for You

A steady diet of junk food is terrible for your body. So is a steady diet of trash media for your brain. I should know, I’ve consumed plenty of both.

I’ve spent much of life making bad meal choices. I have listened to the siren song of the drive-thru instead of what my body really needed. I’ve also spent a lot of time listening to Talk Radio. My intention was good. I wanted to better understand why so many people I love find talk shows like Rush Limbaugh’s and Sean Hannity’s appealing. I only listened to 3-5 hours a week for a period of 3-4 years, but it was enough of a steady diet of the stuff to see it for what it is: profiteering provocateurs bent on money and nearly void of authentic patriotism. The constant stream of anger was hard to take seriously, not to mention the twisted logic used to describe those on the left. Liberals on these shows are routinely portrayed as both diabolical in their disdain of American and buffoons incapable of rational thought. No wonder my friends and family acted so surprised by my politics. Anyone who consumed Talk Radio and even remotely believed it would no doubt be worried, if not apoplectic, about anyone who identified as a liberal. The shows do no original reporting; they just take news from the headlines and then proceed to rip apart anyone who doesn’t see the world from their lens. After a few years of this, week after week, I couldn’t stomach much more of it. I still tune in now and again to some Fox News contributors like Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram just to keep myself familiar with what so many of my fellow Americans watch. Every time I do, it leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. The sad reality is that many I know and love are malnourished by this media, and even poisoned by it.

Reflecting on my consumption of conservative media has also caused me to take a deeper look at what was once my own preferred diet of political munchies. The salty, satirical stew of late night nonsense like Trevor Noah, Seth Meyers and Stephen Colbert. I never watched much of this, mostly just YouTube clips, but it was enough to cause me to not want a second helping. For sure, the satire of these lefty late nighters is very different from the anger on Talk Radio and Fox News, but in fairness it is no better for my intellectual or moral health. The constant barrage of insults, put downs and blatant ad hominem attacks directed towards those on the right leads to a cynicism and smug superiority. It also fosters an arrogance every bit as harmful as the animus from the right. It creates and enforces the narrative that it is us versus them. Liberals are the smart ones conservatives are the dumb ones. It often reduces the deeply held personal convictions of others to no more than a punch line, creating the idea that all the world fits into one of two categories: the woke or the wing-nut. This menu of sanctimonious, satirical sludge not only fails to satisfy, it leaves me feeling sick.

So, I’m no longer regularly consuming the toxic media from the right or the left. Instead, I’m trying to have a more balanced diet with less opinion pieces and more thoughtful, informative perspectives, with programs like the PBS Newshour and other quality media outlets. It’s up to all of us to decide what we will consume and how to make the best media choices possible.

Instead of Calling Out Let’s Invite In

If we spend our time in person and online building barricades instead of bridges, nothing will improve and it will get worse. We cannot afford as citizens, families, friends, co-workers and fellow travelers to let the cancer of division fester

If your social media feed looks like mine, you are seeing lots of outrage and very little listening. People are quick to call out hypocrisy, real or perceived, and slow to self reflection. I am guilty of this, too. There’s something cathartic about screaming into the wind, finally saying what “needed to be said.” I do question how much utility there is in it, though. What value do we get, other than affirming what we already believed? I, for one, I’m tired of calling people out. I’d rather invite people in. What do I mean?

Calling out: Starts from the assumption that I am right and you are wrong. That I have something to teach you, and you need to learn it! It assumes value in chastening. I have certainly been guilty of this kind of smug superiority. When I engage in it, I feel a rush of satisfaction by venting or “getting it off my chest.” It’s even more affirming when those who see the world the way I do validate my call out. The trouble with calling out is it rarely leads me to challenge my assumptions, engage in understanding or broaden my scope of influence. Instead of persuading those who don’t see the world the way I do, I end up with a smaller network of like-minded believers. If left unchecked, we create echo chambers of self affirmation, and begin to convince ourselves of our rightness and exclude ourselves from others and their ideas. We divide the world into us vs. them. It breeds hostility, kills empathy and makes us less likely to learn new things. We stop challenging our assumptions and instead just call out yours.

Invite in: Says it is my responsibility to invite you into my trust circle. My primary objective is to invite you to tell me why you feel and think the way you do. My primary objective is not to persuade you, but to understand you. When that happens, we learn to trust each other. Then, we can invite others to understand where we are coming from. If they don’t want to see our perspective, we still have the benefit of understanding theirs. We also will learn new things and challenge our own beliefs. I have never met someone who was unwilling to help me truly understand them. The objective of inviting in can’t be to listen with loaded ears only waiting to pounce once we’ve graced them with our patience. Instead, the most benefit I’ve seen personally is when the objective truly is to learn and understand, not correct and refute.

How do we invite in?

First, adopt this phrase: I would say you would say. Whenever I say “I just don’t understand how they could think that,” I stop and realize that’s on me. I have the burden of understanding others. Here’s where “I would say you would say” comes in. When someone tells us we’ve got it right, and we do understand their thinking, then we can invite them to do the same exercise with us. Only when we understand each other can we have a substantive discussion about how we might see things differently. After practicing this for a while, people come to trust you because they know your first motive is to hear them not attack them.

Second, embrace the idea that it’s ok to agree to disagree. You are not personally responsible for bringing your cranky conservative uncle, your fanatical left wing sister-in-law or your apostate child around to your position.

Finally, always value the relationship over the topic. This does not mean you have to yield on your position, but you should be able to communicate your position and keep the relationship intact. A good friend taught me this lesson years ago, if you don’t have a relationship, you don’t have influence.

Okay, I know what some of you are thinking: “You don’t get it, this issue is different. We can’t just agree to disagree and pretend it’s okay. If the idea they endorse prevails, the damage may be irreversible. Their policies, character and morals will ensure irrevocable harm. To not denounce them and their followers is, in essence, complicit to the harm.”

Let’s assume this is true, what advantage will be gained by calling them out instead of inviting them in? What good will come by alienating, ostracizing, avoiding, belittling or shaming them? Do you think that will show them the perceived error of their ways? That your chastening will cause them to conform to your view? Is that how you respond when others call you out?
If we spend our time in person and online building barricades instead of bridges, nothing will improve and it will get worse. We cannot afford as citizens, families, friends, co-workers and fellow travelers to let the cancer of division fester. We must be bold enough, and meek enough to have the hard conversations, to abandon calling out and embrace inviting in. If not you, who? If not now, when?

An Open Letter from a Feminazi Dumbocrat

To My friends disputing the election results,

It has been too long since we have seen each other.

I’m trying to see you. I see that you are frustrated, that you want a president who is loud enough and bold enough to make people listen. I’m trying to listen but I don’t understand.

I don’t understand your dispute with objective truth. Remember in school, when we had to agree on “the facts” we always used a math example: 2 + 2 = 4. No matter what we had math. Now we don’t even have math. We can’t agree that the person who gets the most votes (by millions) wins an election.

I don’t understand how to talk to you when we don’t share the same reality. I live in the city, you live in the country. I read the New York Times, you watch Fox News. I think your news is biased. You think my news is “fake,” or worse, calculated to undermine democracy. What do we do? The first question you asked me after George Floyd’s death was, “How bad were your riots?” We didn’t have any. I told you the Black Lives Matter rally I went to was peaceful. Do you believe me, or Fox News?

I don’t understand why you believe the media’s characterization of liberals. We woke up at 6am in the summer to pick raspberries together when we were 12 years old. We all worked our butts off during potato harvest to earn money to buy new clothes. Why do you think I don’t value hard work? We both worked hard in school and thought education was our ticket to success. When did education become “elitist?”

I don’t understand why you won’t talk to me anymore. I reached out to you during this election cycle. I didn’t unfriend you but you unfriended me. How can we see each other if you won’t talk to me?

I’m trying to see you.

Do you want to see me?

Your friend,

Jennifer the Feminazi Dumbocrat

What Do We Say to Each Other After the Election?

No matter who wins the election millions of our fellow citizens, our family, our loved ones will be sad, distraught and perhaps angry. How we react to that will make all the difference. No matter what we feel we would do well to recognize and show empathy for what others are feeling too. We should look beyond our own emotions and use the moment to see others.

I often hear people say “I just can’t understand why anyone would vote for that person.” That, to me, may be the greatest trouble we face. That declaration shows we don’t understand those we share the country with. The divide we feel is real. It’s damaging to human relationships. It tears apart families, communities and it’s weakening our republic.

No matter the outcome of the election we should all resolve to do our part to understand where those who disagree with us are coming from. We simply cannot afford to avoid everyone who disagrees with us, even if we find their beliefs damaging, immoral or unconscionable. Surely they don’t view it that way. I’ve rarely met a person who thought they were doing the wrong thing and reveled in it. Every person’s point of view makes sense to them. We do ourselves a disservice if we don’t learn how to learn from each other. We must do all we can to see each other, hear each other, and understand each other. This will require grace, humility and a commitment to community.

Okay, I know what some of you were thinking: “You don’t get it, this election is different. We can’t just agree to disagree and pretend it’s okay. If the candidate I oppose wins the damage to the republic may be irreversible. Their policies, character and morals will ensure irrevocable harm. To not denounce them and their followers is in essence complicit to the harm.”

Let’s assume that the candidate you oppose lives up to that dire assessment. What advantage will be gained by not talking to those who support them? What good will come by alienating ostracizing, avoiding, belittling or shaming them? Do you think an election defeat will show them the error of their ways? That the morning after the election, somehow, they will be chastened and conform to your view of morality and good government? Is that how you will respond if the election goes differently than you had hoped?

We cannot afford as citizens, families, friends, co-workers and fellow travelers to let the cancer of division fester. If we are not brave enough, bold enough, and meek enough to have the hard conversations who is?

Here are three suggestions that have helped me have these kinds of delicate conversations. In the coming days and weeks after the election they may be a value to you too.

First: Reaffirm to those you disagree with that your relationship and their opinion matter to you. Affirm and reestablish your connection with them. I like this definition of connection from Brenè Brown, “Connection is energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued-when they can give and receive without judgment.”

Second: Ensure your goal is to understand their perspective not to persuade them. Simply try to understand why they view things the way they do. I often have found myself saying “I just don’t understand why someone would think that.” Now whenever I say that I realize it is an indictment of me. Instead when I can say “I would say you would say…” and they agree with me then I know I understand. Then, when it’s appropriate, I can articulate where we may disagree. Again, not with the intent to persuade but with the clear intent that they understand why I view things the way I do. Often we come to realize we agree on much more than we thought we did.

Third: You are not personally responsible for saving the republic, ensuring democracy and salvaging every relationship. Some people will not be able to have a conversation with you without being aggressive, frustrated, angry or manipulative. That’s on them not you. There are times we all need to walk away from certain exchanges. We can only do what we can do. But I do think it’s incumbent on each of us to try to do all that we can do.

Will this change the nation overnight? No. Of course not. Neither will one election. Will it change you? Yes!

Politics Doesn’t Have To Be a Blood Sport

If you are feeling repulsed by politics, you’re not alone. Most of us understand the need to participate in our democracy. However, our current climate is more tribalistic than ever. What we want is a place where we can bring our ideological background, lived experience and skills to address a common problem, yet still collaborate with those of opposing views; working together with the end in mind of reaching the best solution to an agreed-upon problem.

Instead, politics often feels like a blood sport—a grudge match to the death. One where compromising for the greater good has been replaced by winning at all cost. This kind of partisan hunger games is rife with hypocrisy, animosity and breeds an antipathy for politics to the average citizen. It’s easy to blame politicians, the media, wealthy stakeholders and special interests and, in fairness, there is a case to be made against all of them. Attributing blame may help us identify the ill, it does little for the cure. I’m afraid no one is coming to save us. No single candidate, no single election, no single act of Congress will turn the tide of hostile, tribalistic, politics. It’s going to require us to do more–much more than snarky memes, snappy late-night satire, or faux outraged cable news clips. We are going to have to fix this ourselves. Here are three things I am working on:

Being better informed.
Engaging in the process.
Connecting with those I disagree with.

Being informed is going to require more than consuming media outlets that confirm our bias. The issues we face are complex and often confusing. We can’t give 30 seconds to a 30-year problem and think we know anything about it. We have to pay the daily price to understand complex issues. One thing that helps me is try not to get my news from social media. Social media is based on algorithms. It gives us what it thinks we want. Social media pushes us to opinion pieces because they get more likes and shares. Opinion pieces are fine but they lack a depth of reporting. Instead, I have been trying to read the paper more. I subscribe to both the New York Times and Washington Post digitally. I wish I could afford the paper copies (but I still hope to afford retirement someday). Social media also pushes us to the types of stories we like–for me that’s politics and not stories from science, art, culture etc.; going over the paper every day has helped me have a broader perspective. Sadly, social media is also filled with misinformation that spreads like wildfire. This is a quick guide on how to spot fake news.

I also like long form newscasts like NPR’s All Things Considered, Morning Edition and the PBS NewsHour. I know it is hard to find the time in large chunks, but it really makes all the difference. These outlets are free and can be listened to or watched anytime online. Avoiding getting my news primarily from social media has helped me be more informed.

Engaging in the process. It’s been 15+ years since my name has been on a ballot. It’s been nearly ten years since I actively worked on a campaign. I engage candidates directly, infrequently, or not at all. There was a time I used to love to hang out with my local precinct people, knock doors, stuff envelopes and help organize events. Now I don’t even know who my local party chairperson is–not to mention my complete lack of substantive involvement in any local nonpartisan city elections.

Connecting with those I disagree with. I am making some progress here. This has happened both on social media and face-to-face. I have heard over and over again since the last presidential election about how divided we are and that we don’t understand each other. Yet, I have also heard over and over again how people don’t want to talk to others about politics because it is so divisive. We can’t have it both ways. We have to find ways to talk about politics with people we disagree with and not be disagreeable. I sincerely think social media can be a venue for meaningful dialogue, people! I also think we can do this face-to-face. Imagine having a dinner party with the express purpose of talking about a particular issue–looking forward to learning from someone else’s perspective (instead of dreading that you have to have dinner with your crazy right-wing or left-wing relative). Let’s get together and talk about the whole chicken!

I don’t think the answer to our current political dilemma is to avoid politics. I think we have to reshape it. If you are a conservative and feel like your party is unrecognizable in the era of Trump reclaim it! If you are a liberal and think your party has left behind its roots to the working class, or is failing to think big enough don’t walk away, engage. No one is coming to save us. We are the ones we have been waiting for. It’s time for us to reclaim our politics. We will not agree on everything, nor should we. We can, however, agree to put country over party, and good faith 0over bad politics.

The Truth About Joe Biden

“Joe Biden is a lecherous, bumbling, basement dwelling loser who hasn’t accomplished anything over the last 50 years!” Welcome to election 2020! Let the multi-million dollar smear campaign begin. Of course, none of those characterizations of Mr. Biden is fair or true. This, sadly, is the state of politics in America. Instead of a campaign about ideas we are engaged in a frenzied food fight of ad hominem attacks, hasty generalizations and insults. This is not new. The Jefferson vs. Adams campaign was brutal as this pithy youtube clip demonstrates. Our hope is that we learn from the past, not repeat it.

I’m sympathetic to how easy it is to assassinate character. It requires hard work to be informed and cognitive dissonance to navigate the complexity of our time. The easier path weakens the republic, absolves us of our responsibilities, and perpetuates hyper-partisanship. The truth is most politicians are regular people. People who had the audacity to believe that democracy isn’t a spectator sport. We see the most character assaults at the presidential level because it has the highest stakes and the most visibility.

I’ve followed every presidential race since 1992. In 28 years, there have been two candidates who I actually thought had bad motives: Bill Clinton and Donald Trump. It was clear to me that even though the impeachment of President Clinton was motivated by political opportunism not love of country, his conduct and the cover up were unacceptable. I thought he should have resigned. I was grateful for those in his own party who had the courage and patriotism to condemn his behavior. Likewise, I am proud of Republicans who have decried Mr. Trump. I have written often about Mr. Trump. His motives are very clear and show, time and time again, he is not to be trusted and is a threat to the republic.

I have learned over the years that elections are more like public transportation than weddings. We are not committing ourselves to a soulmate. We are looking for someone who can get us as closer to our destination. So what’s this got to do with Joe Biden? Everything! The contrast between him and his opponent is stark–not just subtle differences in policy but wide chasms of moral character. Yes, I basically share Mr. Biden’s political worldview. More importantly, I believe he has the moral fortitude to help steady the ship of state that has been so badly beaten by the storms of egotism, nationalism, fear and self interest–the guiding stars of the current occupant of the White House. Joe Biden’s years of public service, and faith in God, country and his fellow citizens are even more important than his policy platforms. The truth about Joe Biden is that this election will be more about us than him. A test to see if we have the courage to choose hope over fear and patriotism over polarizing disfunction. I’m not just voting for Joe Biden (which I am proud to do). I’m voting for the future of a republic worth fighting for.

Happy Birthday

This week my blog celebrates it’s third birthday. Three years ago when I started, I wanted a place for brief, insightful, thoughtful, analysis and opinion on current events, social issues, politics and life. Short, positive reads that were both accessible and articulate. To a large degree, I think I have accomplished what I set out to do.

I am super grateful for 10,000+ views the blog has received! When I started this I didn’t know if it would have an impact or not. Well, I still don’t really know the impact beyond what it has done for me but I am glad for those of you who have taken the time to read and share my posts. Thanks for sharing this journey with me! I can’t count the times someone has said to me “Thanks for this or that you wrote, it meant a lot to me.” Okay, so I probably could count them, but honestly, it has been more than I can remember and more than I had anticipated.

Something else happened that I did not anticipate. My writing really changed me. I found myself filtering and tempering myself in ways that were both positive and unexpected. When I would feel some kind of indignation and want to quickly go to the keyboard and pound out some snarky response to current events something in me would say, “Don’t do it.” I would ask myself, “Instead of finding a way to blame others, what are you doing to fix the problem? Are you contributing to the animosity or helping to alleviate it?” Instead of trying to ‘fix’ others, the process of writing over the last three years has mostly helped improve me.

When I take a step back from the reactionary lens and allow a more proactive approach, I find that my writing is productive and moves me to action more than demanding action from others. I feel a sense of obligation to deeply think about my position, research it, and talk about what I can do instead of what you should do. That has been a huge blessing in my life!

So to celebrate three years here is a look at some of my most viewed posts:

I’m a Member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and a Liberal and That’s OK. This is by far the most popular thing I have ever written. Over 10% of my total views have been of this post. Ironically, I almost didn’t post it. I thought it was too simple and too personal. I think it speaks to a lot of people. I’ve had a ton of feedback and it is definitely something I need to write more about! Read the post here

Instead of Something Controversial, Let’s Just Talk about Guns and Abortion. These are two separate posts where I take a heated political issue and show that, really, we probably have more common ground on it than we think we do. I have ideas for more of these. I just need to write them! Read the post about guns here Read the post about abortion here

I Am Patriotic, Just Not Like That. This has been one of my most popular posts. I don’t why. Perhaps because it tells a personal story that resonates with so many. Read the post here

To the Class of 2020, You’re Our Heroes. Here is a bonus post from 2020. It was sadly not viewed much at all. Mostly, (I think), because I shared it via social media late on a Friday the same day I had already posted. I wish it had been seen more. I really like it! (Which is rare, I struggle to like much of what I write). You can read the post here.

Thanks again for reading and sharing the posts! It really has been a learning journey, one that I am excited to continue! Can’t wait to see what the next year brings!

Do We Love America Enough to Change?

Love of country, like love of an individual, requires truth, forgiveness, justice, mercy and grace. No substantive relationship exists without conflict. How one manages that conflict determines the strength of the relationship. Forgiveness is also essential to any substantive relationship. Reconciliation is an important component of forgiveness, thus an essential component of love. Therefore, if we love this country, we must be willing to embrace conflict, truth, reconciliation, change and forgiveness.

If someone has done you harm, even if they did not intend to, that conflict must be addressed. If it is ignored, it will fester. Can you imagine someone saying, “Yes, I know I hurt your feelings in the past and I never said I was sorry but look at all the good I did!” You would consider that an abusive relationship. Acknowledging our past sins and their lingering consequences does not negate our core values, it reinforces them. Reconciling the past does not diminish the good that has been done or our potential for good in the future; it enables more good! Yes we can, and must, extend a measure of grace to those who erred, fell short or have done us harm. Grace leads to forgiveness; it does not, however, absolve one of the responsibility of truth. We can’t as a nation be what we want to be if we refuse to be honest with who we’ve been, the good and the bad.

Acknowledgment of misdeeds is not enough. There must be reconciliation. To reconcile there must also be truth. Truth and reconciliation are companion virtues, as are justice and mercy, forgiveness and love. Without them, we can no more hope for a healthy relationship than we can hope for a healthy republic. We must avoid the temptation to frame our history in narrative that only highlights the highlights. To do so denies the truth and impedes our ability to be our best. We must believe that “the truth will set us free.” and embrace it.

“We are all implicated when we allow other people to be mistreated. An absence of compassion can corrupt the decency of a community, a state, a nation. Fear and anger can make us vindictive and abusive, unjust and unfair, until we all suffer from the absence of mercy and we condemn ourselves as much as we victimize others. …we all need mercy, we all need justice, and-perhaps-we all need some measure of unmerited grace.”
Brian Stevenson Just Mercy

We cannot hide behind a shield of tolerance, diversity, inclusion and acceptance and consider ourselves finished. Those are means to an end. Truth and reconciliation will require honesty and action. It will require that we learn to live with the discordant idea that our destiny is always out of reach but that the reaching itself has value. Blame, shame, accusation and avoidance must yield to truth and reconciliation. Embracing truth will require us to be more honest about our history. We must recognize that our own dependency on narratives, monuments and false ideas have allowed us to perpetuate abuse and avoid reconciliation. Embracing reconciliation will require forgiveness and mercy. It will require the creation of new narratives and new visions that are more honest, inclusive and equitable.

We are our brother’s keeper. We have to be honest with ourselves that we have a criminal punishment system not a criminal justice system. That we value incarceration over reconciliation. Punishment over progress. We must be honest about the fact that our economy celebrates excess and ignores equality, an economy that rewards consolidation and hinders innovation. We can no longer accept a nation that acknowledges racism but refuses reconciliation.

How we go about this truth and reconciliation will require the redistribution of power and resources, as does any change to the status quo. That will be, and should be, political. Our best ideas should compete to produce our best outcomes. The idea that we should embrace truth and reconciliation is not a political question, it is a moral one! We should not think ourselves patriots if we fail to embrace truth and reconciliation, justice and mercy. We must commit to the soul searching, back breaking, sober work it will take to move forward, ever pursuing, and never fully realizing, our potential.

I Taught My Children to be Tolerant They are Teaching Me to be Antiracist

Growing up, everyone I knew made racist jokes at church, at school, at work, everywhere. I was never comfortable with them, but I never stopped them either. It wasn’t until college that I was exposed to Langston Hughes, Frederick Douglass, Maya Angelou, Martin Luther King Jr., Malcom X, the freedom riders, Ruby Bridges, Rosa Parks, Cesar Chavez, the Alien and Sedition Act, Japanese internment, the Chinese Exclusion Act, the Trail of Tears, reconstruction, Jim Crowe, and so much more. It was then that I joined the Black Student Association. My new friends experienced a different world than me. Inspired by them, I became more involved in politics and joined the NAACP. I had the opportunity to work side by side with people of color and wanted to do my part to create a more just and equitable world.

My wife was my constant companion on this journey. As we raised our children, it was important to us to teach them tolerance and acceptance. We did the best we could with what we knew. We exposed them to art and literature that reflected diversity, we taught the values and virtues of inclusivity and tried to raise tolerant children. They have come into adulthood in the era of Black Lives Matter, have seen a national awakening that goes beyond the Civil Rights Movement that explores the complexities of white privilege and institutional racism. I taught them to be tolerant, but they are teaching me to be antiracist.

What’s the difference? Tolerant says we need to treat each other with dignity and respect and see each other as equals with limitless potential. Antiracist says we acknowledge and are actively working to correct centuries of institutional racism so that we can achieve equality. Both are important, and they are not mutually exclusive.

Professor Ibram X. Kendi, author of How to be an Antiracist, defines antiracism this way:

“First and foremost, it’s critical for every American to stop saying terms like, “I’m not racist.” And I think it’s critically important for Americans to admit the racist ideas that they have likely been raised to believe. It’s critically important for Americans to admit the racist policies they’ve supported that have led to inequality and injustice and death. And it’s critically important for them to admit the times in which they were being racist because there’s no way they can change themselves if they’re still in that denial. So to be anti-racist is to admit when we’re being racist. And then not only that admission, but then we challenge those racist ideas. We adopt antiracist ideas that say the problem is power and policy when there is inequity, not people. And then we spend our time, we spend our funds, we spend our energy challenging racist policy and power.”

In short, we have to stop perpetuating the idea that racism is only individual acts or behaviors and acknowledge it’s centuries of beliefs, policies and processes that have benefited white people at the expense of people of color.

I grew up in a tight community mostly isolated from national and international happenings. My children have lived through and been shaped by 9/11, the great recession, and now, this global pandemic. All of which they have experienced in real time, on the internet, and through social media. It has given them a different global perspective. Maybe this helps explain how they were able to see racism as more institutional than individual. They have grown up more connected to the world around them. This may be one reason they are less prone to white fragility.

Dr. Robin Diangelo defines white fragility this way:

“White Fragility is a state in which even a minimum amount of racial stress becomes intolerable, triggering a range of defensive moves. These moves include the outward display of emotions such as anger, fear, and guilt, and behaviors such as argumentation, silence, and leaving the stress-inducing situation. These behaviors, in turn, function to reinstate white racial equilibrium.”

Instead of trying to insulate themselves from the problems of racism, my children are inclined to address it. They are not as inclined to maintain a racist status quo, but are more inclined to challenge it. This may be more about the circumstances in which they were raised, than the way my wife and I taught them, but in fairness, it is probably a combination of both.

If we, like my children, are committed to change the inequities that exist in our society, we will have to change the fundamental structures that have perpetuated those inequities. This will require us to identify our blind spots, acknowledge our privilege, and be willing to do all we can to make the system we live under more equal. Therefore, acknowledging that all people are equal is not enough. We have to change the fundamental way society operates to ensure equality though changing the status quo. Understandably, this may feel threatening to those who have consciously or subconsciously been benefited by this status quo.

So what do we do? Let me suggest three things:

Be informed
Be humble
Be engaged

Be informed: The more I have read and tried to understand the perspective of people of color and systemic racism the more it has moved me to action. Here’s a list of resources that are beneficial to gain a greater understanding of institutional racism and how to be anti-racist. Here are some great kid’s lit options as well. The more we know, the more power we have. Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson and Caste by Isabel Wilkerson have been very meaningful for me. We can also be informed on pending legislation and initiatives both on a national and local level.

Be humble: I’m trying to be open to new ideas and more importantly challenge some of my old ones. I want to be honest about my racial insensitivities and my privilege. Because I have spent a lifetime trying to be aware of racial issues, I sometimes absolve myself of the responsibility of being involved. That has to change!

Be engaged: Something as complex as racism can often lead me to ask: what is to be done? The problem feels insurmountable and because I don’t know how to do everything, I do nothing. There are, however, tangible things I can actually do. I can donate. Two causes I have recently contributed to are the NAACP legal defense fund and the Equal Justice Initiative. I can let my voice be heard, not only on social media, but with family and friends. I can participate in marches, demonstrations, and dialogue groups. Perhaps most important, I can vote, not just in national elections, but in state and local races. A movement of this size and scope will take both protest and politics to see real change.

I am optimistic as I think about the future. Especially as I watch my children and others lead out on these important issues.

I exposed my children to Martin Luther King, they exposed me to Te-Nehisi Coates, Bryan Stevenson and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.

I told them about freedom riders, they told me about Black Lives Matter

I read them Roll of Thunder Hear Me Cry. They gave me Just Mercy.

I showed them Eyes on the Prize. They showed me the 13th.

I took them to Martin Luther King Day celebrations. They took me to Black Lives Matter rallies.

I woke them up to watch Barack Obama’s acceptance speech when he won the Iowa caucus. They woke me up to my privilege.

I taught them to make a difference. They are teaching me to change the world!

Learning to be antiracist will take time. Just like raising children. Both are worth the investment.